Therapy for Complicated Grief: How EMDR Can Help

Grief is not something to “fix.” It’s something to move through, to make space for, to slowly learn how to carry.

And yet, so many people come into therapy feeling like they’re doing it “wrong”, like they should be further along, less emotional, more functional. The truth is, grief isn’t a problem to solve. It’s a human response to loss. It asks for patience, compassion, and time. Not pressure.

But sometimes grief doesn’t soften with time. Sometimes it stays sharp, overwhelming, and all-consuming—long after others expect you to be “okay.” Complicated grief affects between 2% to 3% of the population worldwide and 7% to 10% of bereaved people, highlighting how common and impactful this experience can be.

Grief that feels heavier

You might notice that instead of gradually easing, the intensity remains the same or even deepens. Certain moments replay vividly. The emotional weight doesn’t lift. You may feel like your world stopped, even as everything around you kept moving. This can be confusing and deeply lonely, especially when others assume you’ve had “enough time” to heal.

If you’re feeling stuck in your grief, like the pain is just as intense as it was in the beginning (or even getting worse), you may be experiencing complicated grief. Complicated grief is characterized by intense grief that lasts longer than would be normally expected and that impairs daily functioning. Common complicated grief symptoms include intense yearning, difficulty accepting the death, emotional numbness, preoccupation with reminders of the deceased, and social withdrawal. Recognizing these symptoms is an important step toward seeking support.

Complicated grief isn’t a personal failure, it’s often a sign that your system is overwhelmed and needs support processing what happened. With the right kind of care, it’s possible to begin loosening the grip of that intensity without losing the connection to the person you love.

One approach that can be especially helpful is EMDR therapy.

EMDR offers a way to work with grief that goes beyond talking about it. It helps your brain and body process what feels stuck, so you’re not just understanding your grief intellectually—you’re actually shifting how it lives inside you.

Let’s talk about why.

What Is Complicated Grief?

Grief doesn’t follow a neat timeline. There’s no “right” way to grieve, and no set amount of time it should take.

Normal grief is a natural and expected emotional response to loss that typically diminishes over time and allows for a return to daily functioning. In contrast, complicated grief persists for six months to a year or more after a loss and significantly affects daily life.

You might have moments where you feel okay, even hopeful—and then suddenly, the grief comes rushing back just as strongly. This ebb and flow is a natural part of grieving. It doesn’t mean you’re going backward. It means your system is adjusting in waves.

But complicated grief (sometimes called prolonged grief disorder or persistent complex bereavement disorder) tends to feel different.

Instead of movement, there’s a sense of being stuck. Instead of waves, it can feel like you’re constantly submerged. The grief doesn’t shift or integrate in the same way, it stays intense, persistent, and often disruptive to daily life.

What Are Symptoms of Complicated Grief:  

• Feeling emotionally stuck or frozen in the loss

• Intense longing or yearning that doesn’t ease over time

• Difficulty accepting the reality of the loss

• Avoiding reminders—or feeling overwhelmed by them

• Guilt, regret, or “what if” thoughts that won’t let go

• Feeling disconnected from yourself, others, or your life

  
  

Symptoms can also include ruminations related to the circumstances of the death and excessive avoidance.

These experiences can make it hard to engage in everyday life. You might feel like you’re going through the motions, but not really present. Or like a part of you is still anchored in the past. Complicated grief can follow the loss of any close relationship, especially after the death of a romantic partner or a child, and personal relationships play a significant role in how grief is experienced.

Developing complicated grief is influenced by risk factors such as prior mental health issues, the nature of the relationship with the deceased, and contextual stressors.

Instead of gradually integrating the loss, your nervous system stays in a loop—replaying, holding on, trying to make sense of something that feels impossible.

Most people adapt to loss over time, but for some, the adaptation process is slowed or halted by complications, leading to complicated grief.

This loop isn’t something you’re choosing. It’s your brain’s attempt to process something that feels too overwhelming to fully digest. Without support, it can keep circling the same thoughts, images, and emotions.

And that’s where EMDR can help.

What Is EMDR Therapy?

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a therapy that helps your brain process and integrate difficult experiences that feel “stuck.” The Adaptive Information Processing model suggests that unprocessed memories are at the root of many mental health issues, including those found in complicated grief.

It’s based on the idea that your brain naturally wants to heal—but sometimes gets blocked when an experience is too overwhelming. EMDR helps “unstick” that process so healing can continue. The EMDR therapy protocol consists of several distinct phases, providing a structured approach to grief treatment and ensuring clients are guided safely through their healing journey.

Rather than just talking about what happened, EMDR works directly with how memories and emotions are stored in your nervous system. This structured approach is different from traditional talk therapy, which focuses on verbal processing and coping strategies, or interpersonal therapy, which addresses relationship patterns and emotional adjustment. 

Complicated Grief Treatment (CGT), another form of grief therapy, is a specialized, manualized therapy that typically involves 16 sessions and integrates techniques from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Interpersonal Therapy (IPT). CGT aims to help individuals manage emotional pain, challenge maladaptive thought patterns, and restore a fulfilling life. Treatment includes imaginal revisiting, support groups, cognitive behavioral therapy, and aspiration work to help restore a sense of future purpose.

This is important because insight alone doesn’t always shift how something feels. You might logically understand that something wasn’t your fault, for example—but still feel guilt in your body. EMDR helps bridge that gap between knowing and feeling. A comprehensive treatment plan, developed with a licensed mental health professional or EMDR therapist skilled in grief and trauma, is crucial for effective treatment and long-term healing.

When something overwhelming happens—like the loss of someone you love—your brain may not fully process it. Instead, pieces of the experience get frozen:

• Images

• Emotions

• Body sensations

• Beliefs about yourself (“I should have done more,” “This is my fault,” “I can’t go on”)

  
  

These fragments can get triggered by reminders, bringing you right back into the intensity of the original experience. EMDR helps your brain reprocess these pieces so they can be integrated in a way that feels less intense and more manageable. Compared to other treatments for complicated grief, such as interpersonal therapy or antidepressant medication, evidence suggests that specialized treatments like CGT are twice as effective in reducing the intensity of complicated grief. Effective treatment for complicated grief involves a structured approach, specialized techniques, and the support of a qualified therapist or EMDR therapist to promote healthy adaptation to loss.

Why Grief Can Get “Stuck”

Loss is inherently painful. But complicated grief often involves more than just sadness.

There are often layers to the experience—some of which may not be immediately obvious. Grief can intertwine with trauma, identity, attachment, and unresolved relational dynamics. Unresolved grief reactions can complicate mourning, making it harder to adapt and heal after a loss.

There may be:

• Trauma around the loss (sudden death, medical trauma, witnessing suffering)

• Unresolved relational wounds (things left unsaid, unfinished dynamics)

• Guilt or self-blame

• A loss that disrupted your sense of identity or safety

For example, losing someone suddenly can leave your nervous system in shock. Losing someone after a complicated relationship can bring up conflicting emotions—love, anger, regret—all at once. These layers can make the grief harder to process. Feelings of loss can be accompanied by intense emotions such as pain, sadness, anxiety, and depression, which may persist and affect daily functioning. Preoccupying thoughts often center around the loss or reminders of the deceased, making it difficult to focus on anything else.

Your nervous system isn’t just grieving—it’s also trying to protect you from overwhelm. Physical sensations, traumatic memory, and distressing memories are often part of the unprocessed trauma that the body holds onto, contributing to ongoing emotional distress.

It may do this by numbing, avoiding, or looping through thoughts in an attempt to “figure it out.” These are protective responses, even if they don’t feel helpful. Self-compassion is important in this process, as it helps individuals process grief, regulate emotions, and support healthier emotional adjustment. So instead of processing the loss, it keeps circling it.

And over time, that circling can start to feel like being stuck. The emotional impact of complicated grief can feel like being stuck in the mud, lost in a fog, or trudging through water. People with complicated grief often feel shocked, stunned, or emotionally numb, and may become estranged from others because of the belief that happiness is tied to the deceased. Grief usually lessens over time, but complicated grief does not go away on its own and can wear on a person physically and emotionally. It can also lead to difficulties regulating emotions, excessive avoidance, and the development of problems such as addictions or exacerbating existing conditions. Complicated grief can lead to a diminished sense of self or discomfort with a changed social role, causing confusion about seemingly endless grief.

How EMDR Helps with Complicated Grief

1. It Reduces the Intensity of Painful Memories

Certain moments may feel like they’re happening all over again:

• The phone call

• The hospital room

• The last conversation

These distressing memories, often tied to a traumatic memory, can feel vivid, intrusive, and emotionally overwhelming. Your body may react with intense physical sensations as if it’s happening in real time.

EMDR helps take the emotional charge out of these memories by processing distressing memories, traumatic memory, and the associated physical sensations. Through bilateral stimulation, EMDR activates the brain's information-processing system, allowing stuck memories to be processed and integrated, which can lead to emotional healing.

The memory doesn’t disappear—but your relationship to it changes. It becomes more distant, less activating, and easier to hold.

2. It Softens Guilt and “What If” Thoughts

Complicated grief often comes with a heavy layer of guilt:

• “I should have done more.”

• “I should have known.”

• “If only I had…”

These preoccupying thoughts are often centered around the loss or reminders of the deceased, distinguishing complicated grief from depression, where negative thoughts are more generalized. These thoughts can feel relentless, like your mind is trying to rewrite the past or find a way to undo what happened.

Research suggests that interventions that include coping strategies to reduce avoidance of thoughts about the death are more effective than those that do not. Coping strategies are essential in both traditional grief counseling and EMDR therapy preparation, helping you manage emotional distress and process traumatic memories safely.

EMDR helps your brain reprocess these beliefs so they no longer feel like absolute truths. Over time, they can shift into something more grounded and compassionate.

Complicated Grief Therapy (CGT) integrates techniques from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Interpersonal Therapy (IPT), aiming to help individuals manage emotional pain and challenge maladaptive thought patterns.

Instead of “It’s my fault,” you might begin to feel, “I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.” That shift isn’t forced, it emerges naturally as the memory is processed.

3. It Helps You Process the Loss, Not Avoid It

When grief feels overwhelming, it’s natural to avoid it or swing between avoidance and emotional flooding.

You might distract yourself, stay busy, or shut down emotionally. Or you might find yourself suddenly overwhelmed by waves of emotion that feel hard to control.

EMDR allows you to approach the loss in a contained, supported way, so your system can process it without becoming overwhelmed. By addressing unresolved grief reactions, EMDR therapy helps facilitate adaptive progression through the mourning process, allowing you to process traumatic memories and move toward positive adaptation.

EMDR uses a structured approach, guiding you through several distinct phases that support your healing process. The initial phases focus on building a strong therapeutic relationship and equipping you with skills to manage emotions, ensuring you feel safe and supported as you begin to process your loss.

It creates a balance, helping you stay connected to the experience while also feeling grounded and safe enough to move through it.

4. It Reconnects You to Yourself

Grief can leave you feeling:

• Numb

• Disconnected

• Like a different version of yourself

You may not recognize who you are anymore, or feel unsure how to engage with your life in the same way.

As EMDR helps process the pain, many people begin to feel more present in their lives again, not because the loss disappears, but because it’s no longer consuming everything. This allows you to gradually integrate grief into your ongoing life, finding ways to move forward while honoring your loss.

There’s more space for other emotions, experiences, and parts of yourself to come back online. Practicing self-compassion is essential during this process, as it helps you adapt to loss and regulate difficult emotions. EMDR therapy also fosters emotional resilience, supporting you in coping with grief, revising future hopes and plans, and redefining your relationship with the deceased for successful adaptation.

5. It Makes Space for Meaning and Integration

This is one of the most important pieces.

Grief doesn’t go away, but it can transform.

EMDR doesn’t take away your love for the person you lost. It doesn’t erase the significance of the relationship. What it does is help you carry the loss differently. EMDR therapy for complicated grief offers a healing path, guiding you through a supportive and informed journey that includes careful preparation and coping strategies for safe and effective healing.

Instead of feeling stuck in the moment of loss, you’re able to:

• Hold memories with more warmth than pain

• Feel connected without feeling overwhelmed

• Begin to re-engage with your life in a meaningful way

EMDR treatment includes processing distressing memories, developing coping skills, and using the future template technique to help you envision a meaningful future after loss. EMDR therapy aims to transform the emotional distress linked to memories of a loved one's passing without changing the actual events.

Over time, grief becomes something integrated into your story—not something that defines your every moment.

What EMDR for Grief Looks Like

The first session of EMDR for complicated grief focuses on preparation and establishing a sense of safety, without diving into the traumatic event itself. An experienced EMDR therapist or licensed mental health professional skilled in EMDR will guide you through the process, ensuring you feel comfortable and supported. It is crucial to find a qualified therapist who specializes in grief and trauma to provide the best care.

EMDR for complicated grief isn’t rushed. It’s thoughtful, paced, and tailored to you.

A big part of the process is making sure you feel safe and supported before doing any deeper processing. The initial phases of EMDR focus on building a strong therapeutic relationship and equipping you with skills to manage emotions. This preparation includes stabilization strategies and helping you develop coping strategies to manage emotional distress. Your therapist will work with you to create a personalized treatment plan that integrates various therapeutic practices and adapts to your needs.

In therapy, you might:

• Identify specific memories or moments that feel stuck

• Explore the emotions, body sensations, and beliefs connected to them

• Use bilateral stimulation (like eye movements or tapping) to help your brain process

• Gradually integrate the loss in a way that feels more manageable

Sessions are collaborative. You’re not pushed into anything you’re not ready for. The work unfolds at a pace your nervous system can handle.

A Common Concern: “Will This Make Me Forget Them?”

This fear comes up often.

And it makes sense, when the pain is so tied to your connection, it can feel like letting go of the pain means letting go of the person.

And the answer is no.

EMDR doesn’t take away your memories or your connection to the loved one you lost. Instead, EMDR therapy helps transform the emotional connection to your loved one, allowing you to honor the relationship and cherish positive memories, even as you heal. EMDR therapy aims to transform the emotional distress linked to memories of a loved one's passing without changing the actual events.

It helps reduce the suffering attached to those memories.

You still remember. You still care. You still love. But the pain becomes something you can hold—rather than something that overwhelms you.

When to Consider EMDR for Grief

You might consider EMDR if:

• Your grief feels just as intense months or years later

• You feel stuck in certain memories or moments

• Guilt or self-blame won’t let go

• You’re avoiding reminders of the loss

• You feel disconnected from your life or yourself

Seeking help from a licensed mental health professional, such as a therapist or EMDR therapist, is crucial for accessing effective therapy for complicated grief. These professionals are trained to support your mental health and guide you through the EMDR process, ensuring you feel safe and supported as you work through your loss.

You don’t need to wait until things feel unbearable to reach out. Support from a qualified mental health professional can be helpful at any stage of grief—especially when you notice yourself feeling stuck. Prioritizing your mental health during the grieving process can make a significant difference in your healing and overall well-being.

A Different Way of Moving Through Grief

Healing from complicated grief isn’t about “moving on.”

It’s about finding a way to move with the loss—without it taking over your entire life.

That might mean learning how to carry both grief and moments of joy. It might mean reconnecting with parts of yourself that felt lost. It might mean creating a new relationship with the memory of the person you love.

EMDR offers a path toward that:

• Less intensity

• More integration

• More space to breathe

And over time, a different relationship to your grief—one that allows both love and life to exist side by side.

If you’re wondering whether EMDR could be helpful for you, reaching out for a consultation can be a gentle first step. You don’t have to figure it all out on your own.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR:  Ednie Caraballo, ASW is a provisionally licensed clinical social worker in California and a licensed clinical social worker in Puerto Rico. She specializes in parenting, grief and self esteem issues.

***The ideas, concepts, and opinions expressed in all Living Openhearted posts are intended to be used for educational purposes only. The author and publisher are not rendering medical or mental health advice of any kind, nor are intended to replace medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. Authors and publishers claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material.

***If you are experiencing a mental health emergency you can call the National Suicide and Crisis Line at 988 or go to the nearest emergency room.