When Our Unresolved Trauma Shows Up in Parenting: Healing Through Nurturing Our Inner Child

Parenting has a way of bringing out the deepest parts of us — the joy, the love, but also the

wounds we thought we’d left behind. Many of us don’t realize it at first, but our own childhood

experiences quietly shape how we show up for our kids. Sometimes that shaping feels beautiful,

like wanting to give our children what we didn’t have. Other times, it feels heavy, like old hurts

creeping into the way we respond in the moment.

How Unresolved Trauma Sneaks Into Parenting

Trauma doesn’t always mean something “big” happened. It can simply be the little moments that

left us feeling unseen, unsafe, or unworthy. And when we become parents, those memories —

often unspoken or buried — can show up in unexpected ways.

I often see with my clients that unresolved trauma doesn’t disappear once we become parents, but that it shows up in the way we respond, relate, and regulate with our children. Trauma from our childhood leaves an imprint on us and without meaning to, we may find ourselves repeating painful patterns from our past: snapping when we feel overwhelmed, shutting down during conflict, or becoming overly controlling or accommodating to avoid discomfort.

Trauma can make everyday parenting moments feel threatening, even when nothing dangerous is happening. Our nervous system stays on high alert, interpreting a child’s tantrum as rejection, or a teen’s independence as abandonment. And because trauma often disrupts self-worth and emotional safety, it can be harder to trust ourselves, set boundaries, or stay calm when big feelings surface. The good news: noticing these patterns isn’t a sign of failure, it’s the first step toward breaking the cycle, healing old wounds, and giving our children what we deserved too: a relationship rooted in attunement, compassion, and safety.

Maybe you notice yourself getting unusually anxious when your child cries, because no one

comforted you when you cried.

Maybe you feel guilty for setting boundaries, because growing up, love felt conditional.

Or maybe you get frustrated with your child’s big emotions, not because of them, but because

you never had permission to feel your own.

If any of this resonates, you’re not alone. These patterns don’t make us “bad parents.” They

simply reveal where our hearts are still tender and asking for healing.

Starting to Heal Your Trauma By Meeting Your Inner Child

The idea of the “inner child” is really just about remembering that the little version of us still

lives inside. That younger self, the one who longed for comfort, safety, or acceptance, often gets stirred up when we parent.

Your child’s tears might awaken the child in you who wasn’t comforted. Your teenager’s independence might awaken the child in you who felt abandoned. Their defiance might stir the child in you who was silenced. Instead of pushing those feelings away, what if we learned to gently turn toward them?

Nurturing Ourselves as We Parent, Healing our Inner Child

One of the most healing things we can do is to give ourselves what we wish we’d received.

That’s what nurturing our inner child is all about. It doesn’t require anything fancy — just small,

intentional acts of self-compassion.

Here are some ways to begin:

• Pause and breathe. Before reacting, take a moment to notice what you’re feeling and

  ask, Is this about my child, or is this about me?

  
  

• Speak kindly to yourself. Offer the words you would give your child: It’s okay. You’re

  safe. You’re doing your best.

  
  

• Reparent yourself and give yourself permission. Permission to rest, to play, to say no,

  to feel big emotions — all the things you may not have had growing up.

  
  

• Celebrate the small shifts. Every time you pause instead of react, or choose gentleness

  instead of criticism, you’re breaking old cycles. That’s huge.

A Gentle Reminder

Parenting isn’t about perfection — it’s about presence. The more we care for the younger parts of

ourselves, the more space we create to show up with love, patience, and understanding for our

kids. Healing our inner child doesn’t just transform us; it creates a ripple of healing for the next

generation too.

So the next time you feel triggered, overwhelmed, or guilty, try to pause and ask: What does the

little one inside me need right now? When you answer that question with kindness, you’re not

only nurturing yourself — you’re teaching your children, by example, how to love themselves

too.

If you are ready to work through these patterns with a trauma-informed therapist please set up a free consultation today. Together we can change the conversation about trauma, relationships, and financial wellbeing. 

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Ednie Caraballo, ASW is a provisionally licensed clinical social worker in California and a licensed clinical social worker in Puerto Rico. She specializes in parenting, grief and self esteem issues.

***The ideas, concepts, and opinions expressed in all Living Openhearted posts are intended to be used for educational purposes only. The author and publisher are not rendering medical or mental health advice of any kind, nor are intended to replace medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. Authors and publishers claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material.

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