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10 Tips On How to Stop the Cycle of Fighting in a Relationship
- Crystal Trammell, ASW
- Jul 9
- 10 min read
Updated: Sep 18
How many times have you and your partner fought over the same issue? Same disagreement, but different day. You keep coming to an impasse about this topic and even though you've had the same fight over and over, you seem to never make progress towards compromise and resolutation. If you find yourself stuck in the same arguments constantly, you and your partner aren't the only ones. Many couples come to therapy saying, “We’re always fighting about the same things.”
This kind of repeated arguing often centers around the same issues, creating a cycle that feels hard to break. Whether it’s the dishes, money, intimacy, or feeling unappreciated, these surface-level fights often mask deeper emotional needs and disconnection. Repeated conflicts can leave both partners feeling hurt and gradually erode their emotional connection and start to create cracks in the foundation of the relationship.
Constant fighting in a relationship doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed, but it does mean something needs to shift. Using tips and tricks from a couples therapist, this post will walk you through seven powerful ways to stop the cycle of fighting in a relationship and reconnect with your partner in a healthier, more respectful way.
Introduction to Relationship Conflict
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, no matter how strong the connection between partners. When two people with unique backgrounds, beliefs, and experiences come together, disagreements and arguments are bound to happen. What truly matters is not whether you fight, but how you handle those conflicts. Constant fighting and unresolved issues can trap couples in a negative cycle, making it hard to feel close or understood. However, learning how to stop fighting and start communicating can be a game changer, helping you break free from that cycle and move toward a healthier relationship. By understanding the roots of your disagreements and using effective strategies, you and your partner can transform conflict into an opportunity for growth, connection, and a more fulfilling partnership.
Causes of Conflict
Many conflicts in relationships stem from deeper, underlying issues that often go unspoken. Unmet emotional needs, misunderstandings, and poor communication can quickly escalate into arguments, creating a vicious cycle of fighting and resentment. When these issues aren’t addressed, partners may find themselves stuck in the same negative patterns, unable to find common ground. Recognizing the root causes of conflict is essential for breaking this cycle and building a healthy marriage. Seeking professional help, such as couples therapy, can be invaluable in improving communication and fostering empathy and respect. By taking the time to understand each other’s feelings and perspectives, partners can develop a stronger sense of connection and work together to resolve conflicts in a way that supports a harmonious and lasting relationship.
10 Tips on How to Stop the Cycle of Fighting in a Relationship
1. Understand the Fight-Flight-Freeze Cycle
Why this happens: When conflict arises, our nervous system goes into survival mode. One partner may become more agitated (fight), while the other shuts down (freeze) or walks away (flight). Sometimes, a partner may completely withdraw from communication or interaction during conflict. This emotional reactivity becomes a repetitive loop that keeps both partners stuck.
How to shift it:
Learn to recognize your default reaction. How do you typically respond when conflict arises? Do you escalate, shut down, or check out?
Notice if you are responding with anger, withdrawal, or blame—these patterns can reinforce negative cycles in your relationship.
Practice physiological self-soothing (a concept from Gottman Method) by taking a 20-minute break when things feel overwhelming.
Agree ahead of time to pause arguments when they escalate, and revisit the issue when you both feel calmer.
Therapist Insight: The problem is not getting triggered, it’s what you do once you’re triggered.
2. Learn to Repair After Conflict
Why this matters: According to Gottman’s research, couples who successfully repair after fights are far more likely to stay together. Repair attempts are small gestures or words that de-escalate conflict and invite reconnection.
How to do it:
Use statements like, “I’m sorry I snapped,” or “Can we try this again?”
Be willing to accept a repair attempt from your partner, even if you’re still feeling raw.
Focus on the connection, not the content of the fight.
Make sure both partners feel heard during repair attempts.
After a conflict, it's important to truly hear your partner's perspective and ensure they feel heard and understood.
Therapist Tip: A successful repair is a stronger predictor of relationship longevity than the absence of conflict.
3. Stop the Scorekeeping
Why this hurts: It's not uncommon that couples engage in a tit for tat related to issues that create tension. However constantly keeping tabs on who did what fosters resentment and erodes emotional safety. Scorekeeping turns your relationship into a competition instead of a partnership. Often, scorekeeping stems from unmet needs that haven't been addressed, leading to frustration and distance.
How to shift it:
Switch from “me vs. you” to “us vs. the problem.”
Practice gratitude by regularly acknowledging what your partner is doing.
Use a shared calendar, chore list, or app to manage responsibilities together instead of relying on memory and emotion.
Pay attention to the little things that become points of contention—these are often signs of underlying needs being ignored.
Therapist Insight: True intimacy requires radical responsibility—own your impact without blaming your partner for their reactions.
4. Make Space for Both Partners’ Truths
Why this matters: One of the core teachings in Relational Life Therapy is that both people can be “right” from their own perspective. Fighting often escalates when partners try to prove each other wrong instead of trying to understand.
How to do it:
Use phrases like, “From my perspective…” or “What was that like for you?”
Actively try to understand your partner's perspective during disagreements by asking questions and listening to their point of view.
Avoid fact-checking your partner’s memory or experience.
Validate their emotions, even if you don’t agree with their viewpoint.
Relational Wisdom: You can be 100% right about how something felt to you and still be open to your partner’s experience.
5. Find Common Ground When You Disagree
Disagreements are a natural part of any healthy relationship, but how you handle them can make all the difference. When you and your partner find yourselves on opposite sides of an issue, it’s important to pause, take a deep breath, and truly listen to each other’s perspectives. Instead of falling into passive aggressive habits or immediately defending your own point of view, try to understand what emotional needs might be driving your partner’s feelings.
Finding common ground doesn’t mean you have to agree on everything—it means working together to identify the underlying issues behind the disagreement and seeking solutions that honor both partners’ needs. Open, honest communication is key here. Express your thoughts and feelings clearly, and invite your partner to do the same. Talking openly and constructively about your concerns can help resolve disagreements and prevent recurring conflicts. If you notice the conversation escalating into constant fighting, gently steer it back to a place of curiosity and respect.
Sometimes, finding common ground requires outside support. Couples therapy can be a valuable resource for learning conflict resolution skills and building a healthier relationship. By prioritizing understanding over winning, you and your partner can transform conflicts into opportunities for growth and deeper connection.
6. Set Boundaries Around Conflict
Why this helps: Without structure, fights can spiral into chaos. Boundaries create emotional safety and increase the chances of productive dialogue.
How to shift it:
Decide together on rules for fighting fair: no yelling, no name-calling, no interrupting.
Set a time and place for conflict discussions when you’re both calm and available.
Agree to pause the conversation if either of you feels overwhelmed—then return to it within a set time frame.
Give each other space—agree to take 'other space' to cool down and gather your thoughts before returning to the conversation.
Therapist Tip: Conflict is 96% predictable by how the conversation starts. Use a soft start-up like, “I feel…” instead of a harsh one like, “You never…”
7. Identify the Underlying Emotional Needs
Why this is key: Most conflicts aren’t about what they appear to be. The argument about taking out the trash is rarely about the trash. It’s often about feeling ignored, disrespected, or unsupported.
How to get to the root:
Ask yourself: What do I really want my partner to understand about me?
Use vulnerable language: “I feel unimportant when…” instead of “You don’t care.”
Ask your partner: “What’s the deeper need behind what you’re saying?”
Consider whether you feel like you matter to your partner, and whether your partner feels like they matter to you.
When discussing emotional needs, remind yourself to avoid saying hurtful things, even if you feel upset.
At the end of this process, work together to find solutions that address both partners' needs.
Therapist Insight: When couples shift from blame to vulnerability, the real work of intimacy begins.
The Role of Quality Time
Spending quality time together is one of the most effective ways to nurture a healthy relationship and reduce the frequency of conflicts. When couples intentionally set aside time for each other, whether it’s a weekly date night, a walk without cell phones, or simply sharing a meal, they create an intentional space for meaningful conversations and deeper connection. Focusing on each other’s feelings and perspectives during these moments can help partners better understand one another and find common ground, even when disagreements arise. For example, dedicating one evening a week to talk openly about your week, your emotions, and any concerns can strengthen your bond and make it easier to resolve conflicts as a team. Prioritizing quality time not only helps prevent misunderstandings but also reinforces the foundation of trust and intimacy that every fulfilling partnership needs.
8. Overcoming Obstacles: What to Do When You Get Stuck
Even the healthiest relationships encounter rough patches where it feels like you’re stuck in a negative cycle. When you hit this point, it’s crucial to step back and look at the bigger picture.
Ask yourself: What patterns keep repeating? Are you and your partner falling into the same arguments or communication traps?
Breaking out of these cycles often requires both partners to take responsibility for their actions and be open to change.
Sometimes, the best way forward is to seek professional help, couples therapy can provide a neutral space to develop better communication and conflict resolution strategies. Family therapy can also be beneficial, especially when broader relationship dynamics or family issues are involved, as it encourages collaborative problem-solving and strengthens relationships.
A couples therapist can help you identify the negative cycle at play and guide you in finding new ways to connect and resolve issues.
Remember, overcoming obstacles in a relationship is a process. It takes time, patience, and a willingness to try new approaches. By working together, staying open to feedback, and committing to healthier communication, you can break the cycle and build a stronger, more resilient partnership.
9. The Importance of Couples Therapy
Couples therapy is one of the most effective strategies for breaking negative cycles and building a healthier relationship. In therapy, you and your partner have the opportunity to explore your feelings, express your emotional needs in a healthy way, and learn new tools for conflict resolution. A skilled therapist can help you both identify the root causes of constant fighting and guide you toward finding common ground, even when it feels impossible on your own.
Through couples therapy, partners can develop better communication habits, learn to express themselves without resorting to hurtful arguments, and gain a deeper understanding of each other’s perspectives. Whether you’re facing a specific relationship problem or simply want to strengthen your bond, therapy offers a safe space to work through challenges and build a more supportive, connected relationship.
If you find yourselves stuck in the same negative cycles, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Investing in couples therapy can be the turning point that leads to a healthier, happier relationship for both of you.
10. Work on Yourself, Too
Why this matters: You can’t control your partner’s behavior, but you can control how you show up. When even one person in the relationship starts practicing self-awareness and accountability, the dynamic often begins to shift.
How to grow individually:
Explore your conflict patterns and where they come from (e.g., childhood, past relationships, or your current relationship). Take time to figure out what triggers your reactions and how these patterns play out with your partner.
Identify and work on bad habits that contribute to conflict or negative cycles.
Seek support through therapy, journaling, or relationship books.
Be open to feedback and willing to change your part of the dance.
Remember, it's normal to feel afraid or experience fear when confronting personal issues—acknowledging these feelings is part of the growth process.
Therapist Talk: Lasting relational change starts with the courage to examine yourself.
Final Thoughts: Breaking the Cycle of Constant Fighting in a Relationship
If you feel like your relationship is caught in an endless loop of arguments, take heart. The presence of conflict isn’t the problem—how you handle it is. Challenge the idea that conflict means your relationship is broken; even relationships that feel broken can be healed with the right approach. Couples who thrive aren’t the ones who never argue, but the ones who know how to reconnect after disconnection.
By integrating these 10 strategies drawn from decades of research and clinical experience through the Gottman Method and Relational Life Therapy, you can learn how to stop arguing and stop fighting in your relationship in a healthy way. These tools offer the power of empathy and communication to transform even the most challenging dynamics, helping you repair and rebuild trust.
Conflict can be a doorway to deeper intimacy, if you know how to walk through it together.
Additional Resources
If you and your partner are struggling with constant fighting or unresolved conflicts, know that you’re not alone and that support is available. Couples therapy is often a game changer, providing a safe space to learn effective strategies for communication, empathy, and conflict resolution. A skilled couples therapist can guide you in breaking the negative cycle and help you both feel heard and understood.
In addition to therapy, resources like the “Fair Fighting Checklist” and online relationship tools can offer practical support for improving communication and stopping the cycle of fighting. Remember, every relationship faces challenges, but what matters most is your willingness to seek help and try new approaches. By taking steps to improve communication and resolve conflicts, you can break free from old patterns and build a stronger, more fulfilling partnership together.
Ready for Support from a Couples Therapist?
If you and your partner are stuck in constant fighting, couples therapy can offer a safe, structured space to change those patterns. Recurring couple fights—whether with a husband or another partner—can create distance and erode intimacy if not addressed. As a licensed psychotherapist trained in evidence-based relational methods, I help couples break destructive cycles and build healthier, more connected relationships.
Learn more about our Couples Therapy services and visit www.livingopenhearted.com to schedule your free phone consultation. Together, we can work toward rebuilding the strong, loving partnership you and your spouse deserve.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Crystal Trammel, ASW is a provisionally licensed clinical social worker in California. She specializes in couples, maternal mental health, financial therapy, and relationship issues.
***The ideas, concepts, and opinions expressed in all Living Openhearted posts are intended to be used for educational purposes only. The author and publisher are not rendering medical or mental health advice of any kind, nor are intended to replace medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. Authors and publisher claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material.
***If your are experiencing a mental health emergency you can call the National Suicide and Crisis Line at 988 or take them to the nearest emergency room.
