How to Help Your Partner with Anxiety: 8 Ways to Support a Struggling Partner and Yourself

Watching someone with anxiety struggle can be a complex and challenging experience. Sometimes you might empathize and feel moved to be helpful and caring. Other times you might get overwhelmed and frustrated. Witnessing a loved one’s suffering can be painful. Not knowing how to properly help, despite your best intentions, can bring about additional discomfort. Finding ways to provide meaningful support can be daunting.

Although everyone experiences anxiety differently, there are commonalities that can be easily understood and practical strategies that can be utilized. This guide aims to provide information on how to support your partner without neglecting your own mental health.

Understanding Anxiety from the Inside Out

Anxiety is far more than just worry or stress. It’s a combination of physical, emotional, cognitive and behavioral elements that are triggered by anticipating a potential threat. Anxiety can be seen as an adaptive response designed to protect you from danger. It's like the fire alarm that goes off when there's smoke or fire, however sometimes runs faulty. Obviously we would want to know if there is an actual fire, however anxiety can sometimes become an overly sensitive alarm that gets triggered in unhelpful contexts and gets you stuck in a state of overwhelm and dread. Understanding anxiety is crucial for maintaining good mental health for both the individual and their partner. Here are some examples of how anxiety manifests:

Physically, anxiety can show up as different bodily sensations and impulses to act a certain way. For example, the body can enter a heightened state of alertness, with heart racing, shallow and rapid breathing, muscle tension, feelings of dizziness, disconnection, nausea, or trembling. These sensations often cause a lot of discomfort and can urge you to escape.

Emotionally, you may feel overwhelming dread, anguish, fear, irritability, or a sense that something bad is going to happen. These feelings can often be difficult to manage. You might even find yourself conflicted between feeling like something disastrous is approaching and logically knowing that said response is disproportionate and nothing dangerous is actually happening. This tension sometimes leads to secondary emotions like shame, guilt, frustration and helplessness at not being able to get yourself out of this state.

Cognitively, anxiety can manifest as persistent worry, an increased amount of thoughts, that rush through your mind very quickly and can be difficult to stop. These preoccupations can take the form of words or images representing catastrophic outcomes, replaying worst-case scenarios and scanning the environment for danger. It can also look like overthinking and excessively analysing problems. When your mind gets stuck in a threat-detection loop, it can be difficult to focus and see things clearly.

Behaviorally, people might feel the urge to escape an anxiety inducing situation, place, experience or interaction. The combination of physical, emotional and cognitive elements can lead to a flight response, urging you to avoid a real or perceived dangerous situation. Managing the urge to avoid can be extremely difficult and counterintuitive, even if logically you know that avoidance feeds into the anxiety and that no real threat is present.

Given these four intertwined components it makes sense why a simple reassurance like “don’t worry” or “just relax” rarely works and might even increase your partner’s tension and lead to resentment within the relationship over time. Your partner isn’t choosing to feel this way—but it feels like their entire system has been hijacked, even when they might recognize their reaction seems excessive.

Effects of Anxiety on Daily Life

Supportive Strategies That Actually Help An Anxious Partner

1. Get curious about your partner’s experience

Anxiety looks different for everyone. Some people might feel constantly worried and experience racing thoughts concerning different areas of life, while others have specific fears. Some primarily experience physical symptoms, feeling nervous, agitated or on edge in several contexts or particular ones. Being married to someone with anxiety requires a deep understanding of their unique experiences and challenges.

Helpful approach: “I want to understand how you experience anxiety. What worries come up? How does it feel in your body? Would you be willing to help me learn? Are there things that are helpful when you’re experiencing anxiety? Are there unhelpful things?”

Unhelpful approach: Assume how your partner feels and needs, based on how anxiety is portrayed in the media, how other people you know experience it or even how you yourself go through it.

2. Don’t try to “fix” their anxiety

Sometimes our immediate “go to” when someone feels emotionally unwell is to try to problem solve it to make it better. It’s both an empathic human response as well as part of how many of us are raised and socially conditioned. However, these well intention responses can often land in a way that feels invalidating. Naming and validating anxious feelings can be supportive, even if the fears themselves might not be proportionate to the actual threat. 

Helpful approach: "That sounds challenging and overwhelming” or “It’s okay to feel anxious about what’s happening” or "Given your past experiences, it makes sense that you might feel this way”

Unhelpful approach: "You're overreacting" or "It's not that big a deal". Jumping to problem solving mode or trying to make them not feel anxious without first taking a moment to acknowledge what they’re feeling and check in with what they need instead of what you think they need.

3. Support Their Treatment Journey

Getting some professional support can be essential for someone whose anxiety feels out of control. This might include going to therapy (modalities such as CBT, ACT, DBT can be helpful), taking medication in some cases, or complementary approaches like practicing yoga. Taking that step can feel very vulnerable and uncertain for a lot of people. Reassuring your partner and gently encouraging them can be positive for them.

Helpful approach: "Whatever choice you make, I'm here to support you”, “If it’s helpful, we could research treatment modalities together and I could help you talk through their pros and cons”

Unhelpful approach: Invalidating their need for professional help when necessary or dismissing professional treatment recommendations based on your personal biases and opinions. Judging your partner for needing help or denying how severely they're struggling.

4. Learn to Recognize Signs of Escalating Anxiety

For many people, anxiety doesn’t necessarily show up all at once. There can be early warning signs that anxiety or panic is building up. Those might include increase in irritability, difficulty concentrating, physical restlessness, becoming quieter or withdrawing, seeking reassurance about a repeated concern, among others. Learning to recognize these initial signs can be helpful in increasing self awareness, learning to deescalate and recruiting coping strategies. Recognizing these signs can help partners manage their normal share of responsibilities more effectively.

Helpful approach: “I’ve noticed you’ve been pacing around a lot today. Is there something going on? Is there something we can do to address it?”

Unhelpful approach: Pointing out their anxiety in a way that could make them feel self conscious or ashamed. Mocking or judging their responses.

5. Co-Create a Support Plan for Difficult Moments

Sometimes we can anticipate moments, activities or situations where intense anxiety can potentially come up. It can be helpful to create a self care plan with coping strategies and resources to employ before, during and after a difficult moment. Working together to create this plan while you have the clarity of calmness can foster a sense of safety, feeling supported and reduce the decision making burden. Creating a support plan can also involve other family members to ensure a comprehensive approach.

Helpful approach: “What has helped you in the past when you feel overwhelmed?”, “How do you like to take care of yourself after a panicky moment?”, “Do breathing exercises or sensory self soothing help?”

Unhelpful approach: Controlling a situation or forcing your partner into a known anxiogenic situation without them having access to emotional regulation resources. validating their need for coping tools in order to make certain experiences easier.

6. Cultivate a balanced lifestyle

Having a healthy lifestyle and taking care of your body can be the groundwork to adequate anxiety management. Making sure you are sleeping well and enough, eating a nutritious diet, moving your body, managing any physical illnesses and monitoring the use of substances like caffeine or alcohol, can help stabilize mood. Additionally, keeping a flexible daily routine can be a way to create a sense of predictability and increase personal agency. Maintaining a balanced lifestyle can help reduce moments when your partner might feel uncomfortable due to anxiety.

Helpful approach: “Would it be helpful to meal-plan on Sundays to make sure you have meals accessible during busy weekdays?”, “I noticed you didn’t sleep well last night. Is there something we can do to take it easier today or rest more?”

Unhelpful approach: Being critical about their current habits or discouraging lifestyle changes that might be supportive to their stability and wellbeing.

7. Cultivate Pockets of Joy and Connection

Anxiety can feel all-consuming when unmanaged. Your partner’s mind can sometimes turn into an endless stream of worry and worst-case scenarios. It’s important to make space for down time, for rest, connection, fun and relaxation. Consciously creating opportunities for positive experiences can be fundamental to offset the difficult moments and remind ourselves that life is not just about managing symptoms.

Helpful approach: Plan activities that bring your partner joy, relaxation, and remain flexible if they need to modify plans. Get curious by exploring the possibility of new experiences. Reassure your partner that although engaging in different activities can feel scary, they have coping resources and support to manage any anxiety or discomfort.

Unhelpful approach: Expecting your partner to “just relax and have fun” or showing disappointment if they don’t meet your expectations about how they “should be able” to engage with certain activities.

8. Maintain Your Own Support Network and Boundaries

Supporting someone that struggles with anxiety can be complicated and tiring at times. Ensuring your own cup remains full allows you to be present without building resentment or burnout. Keeping yourself emotionally resourced by having separate activities, making sure your needs are met, setting boundaries to prevent emotional depletion, getting support from your partner and other loved ones when needed, is important to maintain your individual wellbeing and keep the relationship balanced. Supporting a partner with anxiety can be stressful, making it crucial to maintain your own support system.

Helpful approach: “I need to recharge this weekend” “I’m going to meet a friend for dinner, but I’ll have my phone if you need me”, “Today I’m feeling under the weather and might not be able to be as supportive. Can you reach out to a friend if you need to?”

Unhelpful approach: Sacrificing all your needs or becoming the sole source of support for your partner can be draining and unsustainable. It’s okay if you struggle too. Being able to provide mutual support and cultivate sources of support outside of the relationship can be crucial to keeping a healthy dynamic.

When to look for help

Even if you do your best to be a positive, supportive partner, struggling with anxiety can lead to complicated relationship patterns that might be difficult to navigate alone. Couples therapy can be a helpful resource to bring clarity to challenging dynamics and develop different relational tools, even when individual therapy is already in place.

Navigating Social Situations

Social situations can be particularly challenging for individuals with anxiety disorders, leading to feelings of discomfort and anxiety. The Anxiety and Depression Association of America recommends developing coping strategies, such as deep breathing and positive self-talk, to manage anxiety in social situations. Individuals with anxiety disorders may need to take breaks or step away from social situations to collect their thoughts and calm their nerves. Having a supportive partner or friend can help individuals with anxiety disorders navigate social situations and feel more at ease. It’s essential to prioritize self-care and take time to relax and recharge after social events to maintain overall well-being. Seeking treatment, such as therapy or counseling, can help individuals with anxiety disorders develop the skills and strategies needed to navigate social situations with confidence.

Parenting With an Anxious Partner

Parenting can be a significant source of anxiety for individuals with anxiety disorders, particularly when it comes to managing children’s behavior and emotions. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, parents with anxiety disorders may need to develop additional coping strategies to manage their anxiety and provide a stable environment for their children. Exercise, self-care, and social support can help parents with anxiety disorders manage their symptoms and maintain a healthy work-life balance. Children of parents with anxiety disorders may be more likely to experience anxiety themselves, highlighting the importance of seeking treatment and support. Couples therapy can be beneficial for parents with anxiety disorders, helping them develop healthy communication and coping strategies to manage their anxiety and parenting responsibilities. By seeking help and support, parents with anxiety disorders can provide a nurturing and supportive environment for their children, promoting healthy emotional development and well-being.

Intimacy and Connection

Intimacy and connection can be challenging for individuals with anxiety disorders, particularly if their anxiety symptoms interfere with their ability to form and maintain relationships. It can be helpful to seek out couples therapy to address intimacy and connection issues related to anxiety disorders. Individuals with anxiety disorders may need to develop strategies to manage their anxiety symptoms during intimate moments, such as deep breathing or relaxation techniques. Open communication and emotional support are essential for maintaining intimacy and connection in relationships affected by anxiety disorders. By seeking treatment and support, individuals with anxiety disorders can develop the skills and strategies needed to maintain healthy, fulfilling relationships. Seeking professional help and prioritizing self-care can help individuals with anxiety disorders overcome intimacy and connection challenges, leading to more satisfying and meaningful relationships.

How Couples Therapy Addresses Anxiety in Relationships:

Providing shared understanding: A skilled therapist helps both partners develop a nuanced understanding of how anxiety affects your specific relationship dynamics, often revealing patterns neither of you fully recognized.

Improves communication: Anxiety can often be associated with communication challenges. Perhaps your partner seeks constant reassurance when feeling anxious, or maybe they withdraw when overwhelmed. Couples therapy can mediate the development of more effective communication strategies to help navigate those patterns in a way that is tailored to your relationship’s needs. Couples therapy can be particularly effective in addressing marriage anxiety and its impact on the relationship.

Addresses enabling behaviors: Sometimes non-anxious partners might accommodate anxious behaviors in ways that inadvertently reinforce unhelpful patterns in the long-term. A therapist can help identify these patterns and develop healthier alternatives that support more adaptive coping mechanisms.

Rebuilding intimacy: Anxiety can contribute to emotional tension, distance and resentment over time. This can affect emotional and physical intimacy in particular ways. Couples therapy offers a safe space to address these sensitive issues with professional guidance and obtain resources to reconnect.

Addressing needs: One of the most challenging aspects of supporting an anxious partner is balancing their needs with your own mental health. Therapy helps couples negotiate this balance in a way that honors both partners’ wellbeing.

Provides specialized tools: Couples therapists can teach anxiety management techniques specifically designed for relationship contexts, such as co-regulation strategies and shared grounding exercises. These can be helpful, not just as regulation skills, but also tools to help navigate challenges, create more trust and amplify intimacy.

Compassionate Support

Supporting a partner struggling with generalized anxiety disorder can require patience, understanding, and intentional effort—but it shouldn’t come at the expense of your own wellbeing or the relationship’s health. Remember that feelings don’t have to be fixed or controlled. Anxiety is neither your partner’s fault nor yours. Learning to manage anxiety so that it doesn’t get in the way of the things that you both care about can be a shared journey that might even strengthen your bond over time. Empathy is crucial in providing compassionate support to a partner struggling with anxiety.

By approaching anxiety management as a challenge you face together—rather than a problem your partner needs to overcome alone—you can create a foundation of mutual support and understanding. When the path becomes difficult to navigate independently, couples therapy can offer specialized guidance to help you transform difficulties and increase connection.

BOOK A FREE THERAPY CONSULTATION

Reach out to Living Openhearted Therapy and Wellness to book a free consultation and learn more about therapy for couples to address anxiety in the relationship.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Paola Hernandez, MSW is a licensed psychologist in Puerto Rico.. She specializes in millenniales and Gen Z, perfectionism, and holistic therapy.

***The ideas, concepts, and opinions expressed in all Living Openhearted posts are intended to be used for educational purposes only. The author and publisher are not rendering medical or mental health advice of any kind, nor are intended to replace medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. Authors and publishers claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material.

***If you are experiencing a mental health emergency you can call the National Suicide and Crisis Line at 988 or go to the nearest emergency room.