React vs Respond: Why You Should Respond, Not React

Learn how to respond, not react by slowing down and practicing mindfulness.

What does it mean to react?

How many times have you snapped at a loved one or over reacted in a way that you aren’t proud of later? Or you’ve made a defensive comment or lashed out, but didn’t really “mean it”? (I am definitely raising my hand!) Most people can think of a time when they “unintentionally” hurt a loved one or said something when they were angry that they later regret.

Being emotionally reactive happens to many of us much more than we’d like to admit. Reacting in stressful situations may cause us to act out of frustration, anger, and we may feel like we can not control our behavior. In a crisis, these intense or challenging situations can trigger visceral reactions, making emotional regulation especially important.

At times we’re quick to react and don’t even realize it, and our behavior is usually instinctual and happens almost unconsciously. Over-reacting can be driven by our survival instincts, and our defense mechanisms when we encounter uncomfortable feelings or situations. Fears are often part of these unconscious defense mechanisms, driving instant reactions that are rooted in our need for self-protection.

What does it mean to respond?

Responding is a way of engaging with another individual or situation with intention and thought. When we respond we can be more intentional with our actions and language and consider how they might be perceived by others. With careful consideration, we analyze the situation and weigh potential outcomes before responding. There still may be difficult emotions and discomfort, however we can respond in a wise manner that balances emotion and rationality for constructive outcomes, and is more aligned with the person we want to be and our values. Responding thoughtfully and in a calm manner often is not easy, especially when we’re coping with difficult situations or conversations. A thoughtful response takes time and deliberation, rather than being an immediate reaction.

Introduction to Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage emotions—both your own and those of others. This skill makes a huge difference in how we navigate life’s challenges and interact with the world around us. When you’re able to recognize your emotional state in the heat of the moment, you gain the power to pause and choose how you want to respond, rather than simply reacting out of habit or impulse.

Responding thoughtfully, instead of reacting automatically, can lead to a more positive outcome in any situation. For example, if you notice yourself feeling frustrated during a tense conversation, emotional intelligence allows you to acknowledge that emotion, take a step back, and decide on a response that aligns with your values. This difference between reacting and responding can transform the outcome of your interactions, helping you build stronger relationships and make decisions that reflect your best self. The ability to recognize and process emotions is a key factor in achieving the outcomes you desire, both personally and professionally.

The Neuroscience of Decision Making

Our brains are wired to react quickly to perceived threats or stressful situations, thanks to the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for processing emotions like fear and anxiety. When something triggers us, the amygdala can take over, leading to impulsive reactions that we might later regret. However, by taking a deep breath and pausing, we give our prefrontal cortex—the area responsible for rational thinking and thoughtful decision-making—a chance to engage.

This simple pause can make all the difference. For example, if someone makes a hurtful comment, your initial reaction might be to snap back defensively. But if you take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts, you can respond in a more constructive and thoughtful way. This process not only helps manage your emotions in the moment but also leads to better outcomes and healthier relationships. By understanding how your brain works, you can harness the power of the pause to shift from reacting to responding, even in moments of stress or anxiety.

How can I learn the difference between responding and reacting?

For many, this is a life long lesson that we all must practice constantly. However, the first key step to go from reacting to responding, is to notice when it is happening. It is very difficult to make changes in areas of our lives when we are not aware or present that they are happening. Start by simply monitoring and witnessing when you are reacting rather responding.

Do you notice that you’re short tempered in the mornings when you’re rushing out the door? Or you’re more irritable after you’ve had a long day at work? Or perhaps you haven’t gotten in your daily movement and feeling sluggish? In those moments, notice how you actually felt—whether it was frustration, stress, or disappointment—as this awareness can help you understand your emotional triggers.

Start to pay attention to when you react in ways that leave you feeling like you didn’t respond as you wanted. Just creating that awareness will start to slowly shift your mindset so you can develop the ability to respond in a way that is congruent with your values. Tracking your progress over time—by reflecting on how often you choose to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively—can be a powerful measure of your personal growth in emotional regulation.

For example, there may be a time when you responded differently to a stressful situation, and as a result, the conflict was avoided or resolved more peacefully.

Just push pause - not everything needs a reaction

Once you’ve identified those moments when you have that knee-jerk reaction, start to practice pausing. This is really HARD. It’s that 3 second moment you have right before that not-so-nice comment or harsh tone leaves your mouth that might make the difference in how you choose to respond. But that pause is important to reinforce self-awareness and also help you get a better understanding of when you have emotional reactions. This pause will allow you to process your feelings, give you the space to respond with intention, and change the outcome of situation.

When we take the time to slow things down, we can often recognize that not everything needs a reaction. Many times it is helpful to create a mantra or a grounding practice to foster that pause. Taking a deep breath, putting your hand over you heart, or drinking a glass of water can give us that necessary cue and time to think about how we want to respond to the difficult situation or uncomfortable emotion. Connecting with your body during these grounding practices helps you notice physical sensations, which can facilitate emotional regulation and support a more thoughtful response. Often reciting in your mind “respond, don’t react” can be a helpful reminder to help you during those moments.

"I choose to respond in a way that honors my values."

Step away to ask yourself and reflect on "How should I respond?"

At times it can be useful to step away from the situation when we’re feeling really charged. This can be challenging especially if we’re having a difficult conversation with a partner or dealing with a child’s tantrum. Sometimes stepping away and taking a few minutes to collect ourselves can allow us to offer a thoughtful response that can also benefit our relationships with our loved ones. Reacting impulsively in these moments can lead to a mistake that you might regret later. By creating space and being aware of our own feelings and needs, we’re often more able to respond with kindness and patience.

STOP - Respond vs react

STOP - Respond vs react

One skill that you can use to help you offer a compassionate response in that moment when you are feeling overwhelmed is STOP - which is an acronym for Stop, Think, Options, Plan. When emotions are felt strongly, it can be even more important to pause and reflect. When you can first stop and recognize how you’re feeling, you give yourself the opportunity to think about possible responses and options you have to start responding in a way that honors your values and how you want to show up. It's important to remember that there is a wrong way to use time-outs or reflection techniques, so following the correct method ensures they are effective. The STOP technique also helps you make your point clearly and thoughtfully, improving communication. This technique can make a huge difference in overriding your internal reaction so you can respond in a way that moves you forward to the life and person you want to be.

When offering a thoughtful response, it’s essential to give your full attention to the situation or person. Take the time to truly hear the other person's perspective before responding. By doing so, you can ensure your response is considerate and effective.

By creating space and being aware of our own feelings and needs, we’re often more able to respond with kindness and patience. Choosing to speak carefully and reflecting before responding helps maintain respect and understanding. Mindful speaking plays a key role in effective communication, allowing us to express ourselves clearly and calmly. Open talk is also valuable in resolving conflicts and building trust.

When responding in a way that honors your values, it’s important to choose your words thoughtfully to ensure your response is constructive and aligned with your intentions.

Effective Communication Strategies

Communicating effectively is essential for building trust and understanding in any relationship. When you focus on responding thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively, you create space for more meaningful and productive conversations. One key strategy is to stay present in the moment and truly listen to the other person’s feelings and perspective, rather than letting past experiences or emotions dictate your response.

Expressing yourself using “I” statements—such as “I feel” or “I need”—can help you communicate your feelings without placing blame or triggering defensiveness. This approach encourages open dialogue and helps both parties feel heard and respected. By focusing on the present and responding with empathy, you can navigate difficult conversations more effectively and achieve better outcomes. Remember, the goal is to express your emotions clearly and constructively, fostering stronger connections and mutual understanding.

Practice, practice, and practice to respond in kind. And sometimes practice self-compassion.

Again, this is not easy and for many of us this is a lifelong practice of tuning into our thoughts, feelings, and needs. By practicing mindfulness and creating space for us to respond intentionally, we can strengthen our self-awareness over time. This in the long run can help us engage with others in a way that is more aligned with our values and how we want to show up in the world.

However when those moments do arise and we react in a way that leaves us with feelings of regret, shame, or guilt, it is important to reflect and also practice self-compassion. None of us can always respond as we would like 100% of the time and therefore, when we have to those difficult moments, it is important to show ourselves kindness and self-compassion.

Being able to practice self-compassion can also help us grow from these experiences so we can continue to move towards our values and the best version of ourselves.

Making Informed Decisions for Long Term Success

Choosing how to respond in challenging situations isn’t just about the immediate outcome—it’s about considering the long-term effects of your actions. Making informed decisions means taking the time to reflect on what’s happening, weighing the potential consequences, and choosing a course that aligns with your values and goals.

When you pause to reflect before responding, you give yourself the opportunity to see the bigger picture. This process might involve considering different perspectives, learning from past mistakes, and being patient with yourself as you navigate complex emotions. By responding thoughtfully, rather than reacting on impulse, you set yourself up for the best outcome—not just in the moment, but in the long run. This approach leads to personal growth, stronger relationships, and a greater sense of fulfillment as you move through life.

Start responding vs reacting today

In conclusion, the difference between reacting and responding is a huge difference that can shape the outcome of every situation you face. By developing emotional intelligence, understanding how your brain processes emotions, and practicing effective communication, you gain the ability to respond thoughtfully and constructively. Taking a deep breath, pausing, and considering the long-term effects of your actions can lead to more positive outcomes, both for yourself and those around you.

Choosing to respond, rather than react, empowers you to lead a more intentional and fulfilling life. It helps you build stronger relationships, make wiser decisions, and create a world where respect and understanding thrive. Remember, responding is not just about managing a moment—it’s about shaping your future and contributing to a more positive, constructive world for everyone. By embracing the power to respond thoughtfully, you can make a lasting difference in your own life and in the lives of those around you.

Learning grounding and stress management techniques can be helpful in respond rather than reacting during challenging situation. If you're interested in learning more contact Kristin today to schedule a free consultation.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Kristin M. Papa, LCSW is a licensed clinical social worker in California, Puerto Rico, Virginia, Utah, and Florida. She specializes in stress and burnout, anxiety, and women’s mental health. 

***The ideas, concepts, and opinions expressed in all Living Openhearted posts are intended to be used for educational purposes only. The author and publisher are not rendering medical or mental health advice of any kind, nor are intended to replace medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. Authors and publishers claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material.

***If you are experiencing a mental health emergency you can call the National Suicide and Crisis Line at 988 or go to the nearest emergency room.