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Respond, not react.
Learn how to respond, not react by slowing down and practicing mindfulness.
What does it mean to react?
How many times have you snapped at a loved one or over reacted in a way that you aren't proud of later? Or you've made a defensive comment or lashed out, but didn't really "mean it"? (I am definitely raising my hand!) Most people can think of a time when they "unintentionally" hurt a loved one or said something when they were angry that they later regret.
Being emotionally reactive happens to many of us much more than we'd like to admit. Reacting in stressful situations may cause us to act out of frustration, anger, and we may feel like we can not control our behavior. At times we're quick to react and don't event realize it, and our behavior is usually instinctual and happen almost unconsciously. Over-reacting can be driven by our survival instincts, and our defense mechanisms when we encounter uncomfortable feelings or situations.
What does it mean to respond?
Responding is a way of engaging with another individual or situation with intention and thought. When we respond we can be more intentional with our actions and language and consider how they might be perceived by others. There still may be difficult emotions and discomfort, however we can respond in a manner that is more aligned with the person we want to be and our values. Responding thoughtfully and in a calm manner often is not easy, especially when we're coping with difficult situations or conversations.
How can I learn the difference between responding and reacting?
For many, this is a life long lesson that we all must practice constantly. However, the first key step to go from reacting to responding, is to notice when it is happening. It is very difficult to make changes in areas of our lives when we are not aware or present that they are happening. Start by simply monitoring and witnessing when you are reacting rather responding. Do you notice that you're short tempered in the mornings when you're rushing out the door? Or you're more irritable after you've had a long day at work? Or perhaps you haven't gotten in your daily movement and feeling sluggish?
Start to pay attention to when you react in ways that leave you feeling like you didn't respond as you wanted. Just creating that awareness will start to slowly shift your mindset so you can develop the ability to respond in a way that is congruent with your values.
Just push pause - not everything needs a reaction
Once you've identified those moments when you have that knee-jerk reaction, start to practice pausing. This is really HARD. It's that 3 second moment you have right before that not-so-nice comment or harsh tone leaves your mouth that might make the difference in how you choose to respond. But that pause is important to reinforce self-awareness and also help you get a better understanding of when you have emotional reactions. This pause will allow you to process your feelings, give you the space to respond with intention, and change the outcome of situation.
When we take the time to slow things down, we can often recognize that not everything needs a reaction. Many times it is helpful to create a mantra or a grounding practice to foster that pause. Taking a deep breath, putting your hand over you heart, or drinking a glass of water can give us that necessary cue and time to think about how we want to respond to the difficult situation or uncomfortable emotion. Often reciting in your mind "respond, don't react" can be a helpful reminder to help you during those moments.
Step away to ask yourself and reflect on "How should I respond?"
At times it can be useful to step away from the situation when we're feeling really charged. This can be challenging especially if we're having a difficult conversation with a partner or dealing with child's tantrum. Sometimes stepping away and taking a few minutes to collect ourselves can allow us to offer a thoughtful response that can also benefits our relationships with our loved ones. By creating space and being aware of our own feelings and needs, we're often more able to respond with kindness and patience.
